I enjoyed this book, It was easy to read even on my tiredest days. It reminded me of the book I read from The Arbinger Institute – The Outward Mindset https://arbinger.com/store/the-outward-mindset/. That book was more of a narrative, but I feel it had the same message. – Get out of your own head it’s not all about you.
This book offered practical techniques to break free from the cycle of negative self-talk and emotional spiraling. The simple act of saying your name aloud can be remarkably effective, as it shifts your mindset from a reactive ‘child mode’ to a more grounded, self-aware ‘parent mode.’
It got me thinking about how we are encouraged to use I statements during conflict discussions and wondering if that really was the best approach. What I found was that Relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson caution against relying solely on ‘I’ statements when addressing conflicts, as this approach can sometimes perpetuate a self-focused narrative. Instead, they recommend creating emotional distance by consciously adopting a more objective, third-person perspective. For instance, rather than saying, ‘I feel hurt when you…’ try reframing it as, ‘In situations like this, partners often experience hurt because…’ This subtle shift can help defuse defensiveness and promote a more constructive dialogue, paving the way for mutual understanding and resolution within the relationship.”[1][2]
And what if this extra thinking just to reframe your words leaves you at a loss for words? Then touch can help bridge that gap and provide a powerful means of emotional connection and regulation. Touch plays a vital role in self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions, as evidenced by numerous psychological studies. According to the literature on emotional needs, touch is a fundamental human need that facilitates the development of secure attachment and emotional well-being. Research by Dr. Tiffany Field, a leading expert on touch, has shown that touch can reduce stress hormones and increase oxytocin levels, promoting a sense of calm and connection (Field, 2014). In adulthood, affectionate touch from partners or loved ones has been found to lower heart rate and blood pressure, while also decreasing emotional distress and improving emotional co-regulation (Grewen et al., 2003; Coan et al., 2006). Overall, the psychological literature underscores the critical role of touch in self-soothing, emotional bonding, and the co-regulation of emotions between individuals, making it an essential component of emotional well-being and interpersonal connectedness.
I have always known a hug was beneficial in times of need. I have also known that in times of distress if my physical environment was cluttered and messy, my head likewise felt cluttered and messy and I didn’t have the chance to process my thoughts constructively. One of the other interesting ideas was around journalling as a narrative, which I found equally fascinating as I had at times subconsciously journaled a story incorporating my life events using an alias for the people in my life and also using she or her to refer to me in the writing. Essentially creating that emotional distance.
Some of the tools from the book as I took them.
[1] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books. [2] Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.
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