Book thoughts: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head By Ethan Kross

I enjoyed this book, It was easy to read even on my tiredest days. It reminded me of the book I read from The Arbinger Institute – The Outward Mindset https://arbinger.com/store/the-outward-mindset/. That book was more of a narrative, but I feel it had the same message. – Get out of your own head it’s not all about you.

This book offered practical techniques to break free from the cycle of negative self-talk and emotional spiraling. The simple act of saying your name aloud can be remarkably effective, as it shifts your mindset from a reactive ‘child mode’ to a more grounded, self-aware ‘parent mode.’

It got me thinking about how we are encouraged to use I statements during conflict discussions and wondering if that really was the best approach. What I found was that Relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson caution against relying solely on ‘I’ statements when addressing conflicts, as this approach can sometimes perpetuate a self-focused narrative. Instead, they recommend creating emotional distance by consciously adopting a more objective, third-person perspective. For instance, rather than saying, ‘I feel hurt when you…’ try reframing it as, ‘In situations like this, partners often experience hurt because…’ This subtle shift can help defuse defensiveness and promote a more constructive dialogue, paving the way for mutual understanding and resolution within the relationship.”[1][2]

And what if this extra thinking just to reframe your words leaves you at a loss for words? Then touch can help bridge that gap and provide a powerful means of emotional connection and regulation. Touch plays a vital role in self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions, as evidenced by numerous psychological studies. According to the literature on emotional needs, touch is a fundamental human need that facilitates the development of secure attachment and emotional well-being. Research by Dr. Tiffany Field, a leading expert on touch, has shown that touch can reduce stress hormones and increase oxytocin levels, promoting a sense of calm and connection (Field, 2014). In adulthood, affectionate touch from partners or loved ones has been found to lower heart rate and blood pressure, while also decreasing emotional distress and improving emotional co-regulation (Grewen et al., 2003; Coan et al., 2006). Overall, the psychological literature underscores the critical role of touch in self-soothing, emotional bonding, and the co-regulation of emotions between individuals, making it an essential component of emotional well-being and interpersonal connectedness.

I have always known a hug was beneficial in times of need. I have also known that in times of distress if my physical environment was cluttered and messy, my head likewise felt cluttered and messy and I didn’t have the chance to process my thoughts constructively. One of the other interesting ideas was around journalling as a narrative, which I found equally fascinating as I had at times subconsciously journaled a story incorporating my life events using an alias for the people in my life and also using she or her to refer to me in the writing. Essentially creating that emotional distance.

Some of the tools from the book as I took them.

[1] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books. [2] Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Embracing the Learning from Regrets

Reflection questions from the book “The Power of Regret” by Daniel Pink.

Definition of Regret (according to Dan Pink): “Regret is a natural and deeply human emotion and one that can be an incredible source of motivational grist. By facing what we regret and using that knowledge to inform our strategies and behaviors, we can substantially improve our decision-making and our chances of leading happier, more productive lives.”

From Dan’s book, I have created the following process and questions to move through your regret and gain the benefits of regret.

Beginning: Understand the Regret

1. What are the potential long-term or compound costs/consequences of the decision that led to your regret?
   
2. Does your regret have any moral or ethical implications? Did your decision violate any personal values or principles?
   
3. Regarding your regret, what important facts, information, or perspectives did you fail to fully consider or overlook during the decision-making process?

Processing Emotions and Adopting a Growth Mindset

4. What emotions are you experiencing in relation to this regret, and how can you create space to fully acknowledge and process these feelings in a healthy way?

5. How can you view this regret with kindness and understanding towards yourself, recognizing that all humans make mistakes, while still taking responsibility for learning and growing?

6. How can you approach this regret with a growth mindset, viewing it as an opportunity to develop new skills, knowledge, or personal qualities that will serve you well in the future?

Exploring Alternatives and Extracting Lessons

7. What specific decisions or actions could you have taken differently that may have led to a more desirable outcome, and what can you learn from considering these alternative paths?

8. How might re-evaluating this regret from an alternate perspective help you better appreciate what you have and be more grateful?

9. What alternative scenarios or outcomes might have occurred if you made different choices? How can reflecting on this impact your priorities and decisions ahead?

Improving Decision-Making Process

10. How can you use this regret as a lesson to slow down and gather more comprehensive information and viewpoints before making similar decisions in the future?

11. What new decision-making strategies, processes, or frameworks could you implement to avoid repeating the same mistake?

Find a way to take action. Use your emotions to direct your thinking and your thinking to direct your actions.

Leadership Development Notes

I recently completed the Linked In course creating-a-leadership-development-program/creating-a-strategic-leadership-development-program by Bonnie Hagemann

Here are my notes.

Navigating Conflit – understanding types and growing through reflection.

Conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship, whether personal or professional. However, how we approach and handle conflicts can make all the difference in strengthening or straining our connections.

Recognizing the type of conflict you’re facing is crucial for addressing it effectively. By correctly identifying the type of conflict, you can tailor your response and employ the appropriate conflict resolution techniques. This understanding not only helps resolve the immediate issue but also prevents future misunderstandings and escalations.

Once a conflict has been addressed, it’s essential to reflect on the experience to facilitate personal and relational growth. Asking yourself thoughtful questions can provide valuable insights and help you develop better conflict management skills. In an ideal world you would want to do this reflection with the other person.

Consider the following additional reflective questions:

• What triggered the conflict? Understanding the root cause can help prevent similar situations in the future.
• What emotions did I experience during the conflict? Recognizing your emotional responses can improve your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
• How did I contribute to the situation? Acknowledging your role can promote accountability and prevent blame-shifting.
• What communication strategies worked or didn’t work? This can inform your approach to future conflicts.

By engaging in this reflective process, you not only gain a deeper understanding of yourself and the other person but also develop skills to navigate future conflicts more effectively. It’s an opportunity to turn conflicts into catalysts for positive change and strengthened connections.

Conflicts are inevitable, but how we approach them can make all the difference. By understanding the types of conflicts and engaging in thoughtful reflection after a conflict, we can foster growth, build stronger relationships, and develop effective conflict resolution skills. Embrace conflicts as opportunities for learning and personal development, and watch your relationships flourish.

Perimenopause Surviving to thriving

I don’t know how far along on my perimenopause journey I am, thinkgs are chaotic and unpredictable and in some respects getting better and others I think I have just adapted.

I came to a realisation the other day, that pulled together ideas from various sources I had been hearing for a while.

On The Tony Robbins Podcast with Mo Gawdat – the idea of choosing happy and also the reiteration that events are neutral and it’s only our thoughts that make it otherwise and cause us grief.

From a vision board –

and I can’t remember where I heard the last one, but it’s about positioning yourself to weather the storms. I think it was actually a financial podcast. I believe it applied equally to emotional storms as well.

So here are my 3 keys to thriving in perimenopause.

Reset your expectation

• yes you had a shitty sleep and your tired, so don’t expect to be highly productive today.
• yes you are hot at random times, so dress in layers that you can strip off and take wipes and deoderant.
• yes you are emotional and irrational, so don’t make big decisions then and use exercise to pump up the good hormones.
• yes you forget things that you know you know, so utilise the second brain, your phone, notepads, calendar, setup routines.
• yes your joints hurt and your skin itches, so moisterise and do easy stretches.

Choose happy – get rid of the things that are making your unhappy and choose happy instead. Life is too short to be unhappy and when you look there is a lot to be happy about. – write down all the things that feed your soul and make you happy and aim to do one everyday.

Position yourself to weather the storms.

Set yourself up for success by putting in place strategies and routines to lift you up and build your resilience so that when a storm hits you have reserves to pull on or strategies in place to deal with it. Much like an emergency fund helps in the emergency time. What can you do to build up your emotional resilience so when the storm hits you are ready to tackle it? What needs to be in your emergency bag?

Tips for friendship.

Just listened to a great podcast with Caroline Mcguire, I know I can be guilty of oversharing and wanting someone to be my best friend the minute I meet them, These tips were a great reminder of setting some boundaries around conversation sharing and how to find the best friends.

Tips for Friendship.

Small talk is how you feel people out and see if they are going to be a good friend. Don’t rush into calling people your friend that moment you have a first good interaction with them. Label them first as an emerging friend or acquantance and give yourself some time to assess and watch how they treat others to see if this person is worthy of moving into your inner friend circle.

A few things to imediately shut down a relationship over.

• Gossiping.
• Excluding people or disrespecting others.
• Belittling you or not respecting your boundaries.

4 steps to transformative change.

I created this process as I wanted a process to follow when thinking about creating new habits or evaluating my life and what areas I might like to improve on. Most importantly I wanted to make sure that when I embarked on a specific change I wanted it to be as successful as I could make it, to make sure I had planned as best I could and set myself up for success.

The following is what I came up with from agile methods, looking at personal agility and Mel Robbins and Tony Robbins and my overall experiences and readings.

The personal growth change process.

Practices in each step of the process.

Template to record your supporting reminders.

When thinking about goals, remember to use SMART as a key. Some extra reminders I have come across recently is.

In specific use I am statements. e.g I am exercising regularly as part of a healthy lifestyle.

In Measurable – say what the metrics is. e.g 3 times a week.

In Achievable – say when you are doing it. E.g tues, thurs and Saturdays

In Relatable – say why it’s important to you. – e.g so that I am healthy for my family.

In timely – say when it needs to be done by.

Team types

It has been bothering me for a while now, having been in various different types of teams. Everyone one of which was called a team and was coerced into trying to fit the standard scrum team mould.

I believe not every group of people is a team. That each group requires different considerations. I got a bit lost in the depth of analysis on my initial deep dive into this topic. My recent reading of the Team Topoligies book got me thinking that maybe I can make it simpler.

This is my Team types of which people can belong to multiple options.

Types of teams.

For example, while employed as an agile coach I was in the co workers group for the company. I was in the community of practice for the Agile Coaches, I was in a complicated sub system (Dynamic working) group for the work I was doing around Jira and I was supporting various stream aligned teams as a enabling team of Agile coaches.

In each of these I needed different things from the team in order to excel. Some I was very collaborative like the complicated sub system and the community of practice. In the enabling team I was facilitating, coaching and mentoring. In the co workers group, I was very much an individual.

I used to feel that each group would then have different needs from management. However lately I have been thinking that they need a continuum of the same things. Some need more and some need less depending on their stage towards high performance as illustrated in the below diagrams.

What a team needs

Teams pathway to high performance based on Tuckmans model.

This feels more complete for me now, I feel it also helps to define your teams structure to work out where your team might need more and options to support that either as a team member yourself of as the leadership supporting that team.

Reflecting on boundaries worksheet.

Instructions:

1. Reflect on the questions provided and write down your responses.
2. Use the responses to identify potential boundaries and unique characteristics.
3. Examine each potential boundary to determine its effectiveness and longevity.
4. Separate real boundaries from wish list items by considering whether they point back to your own behavior and needs.
5. Test the concept against real-life situations for consistency and its impact on personal growth.
6. Share the idea with others and consider their questions and reactions.
7. Evaluate whether each boundary makes you a better person and if it aligns with who you want to be.
8. Use the final list of boundaries to guide your future actions and decisions.

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Think about where your personal boundaries or rules used when you were happiest:

• What was important to you?
• How did you behave?
• What was unique about you?
• What were you proudest of?
• Were there important consistencies in your thinking or behavior that you can name?

Think about where your boundaries are today:

• What has changed?
• What boundaries do you wish you had in place but think are currently missing or being ignored by you or others?

Examine your potential boundaries and unique characteristics:

• Determine whether they will be long-lasting and effective rules for your future.
• Separate real boundaries from wish list items by considering whether they point back to your own behavior and needs.
• Test the concept against real-life situations for consistency and its impact on personal growth.
• Share the idea with others and consider their questions and reactions.
• Evaluate whether each boundary makes you a better person and aligns with who you want to be.

Worksheet:

1. Reflect on your past:

• Describe the important values and behaviors that made you happiest.
• Identify the unique characteristics or consistencies in your thinking and behavior.
• What were you proudest of in terms of your actions and decisions?

1. Assess your current boundaries:

• Describe any changes that have occurred in your boundaries over time.
• Identify any boundaries that you feel are missing or being ignored by yourself or others.

1. Examine potential boundaries and unique characteristics:

• List the potential boundaries that you have identified from your reflections.
• Determine if each boundary is for your own behavior and needs or if it points back to another person.
• Test the concept of each boundary against real-life situations for consistency.
• Share the potential boundaries with others and note their questions and reactions.
• Evaluate whether each boundary makes you a better person and aligns with your desired future.

1. Finalize your boundaries:

• Select the boundaries that are long-lasting, effective, and align with who you want to be.
• Separate real boundaries from wish list items.
• Review the questions: Does each boundary make you a better person? Is it necessary for your personal growth and well-being?
• Use the final list of boundaries to guide your future actions and decisions.

Remember, boundaries are personal and may differ for each individual. It’s important to consider what is best for your own well-being and growth.

Sorting my digital files.

Working through the building a second brain information from Tiago Forte, I have set these as my process reminders.

This image shows how information comes in and what applications I use. From there I organise the files / notes, information – using notability or Miro. Then I use Wordress and Canva to bring the information to life.

Then I needed to think about the structure I wanted to use and how that would flow across the various applications. How the applications would work with each other to make my informaiton work for me.