Book thoughts: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head By Ethan Kross

I enjoyed this book, It was easy to read even on my tiredest days. It reminded me of the book I read from The Arbinger Institute – The Outward Mindset https://arbinger.com/store/the-outward-mindset/. That book was more of a narrative, but I feel it had the same message. – Get out of your own head it’s not all about you.

This book offered practical techniques to break free from the cycle of negative self-talk and emotional spiraling. The simple act of saying your name aloud can be remarkably effective, as it shifts your mindset from a reactive ‘child mode’ to a more grounded, self-aware ‘parent mode.’

It got me thinking about how we are encouraged to use I statements during conflict discussions and wondering if that really was the best approach. What I found was that Relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson caution against relying solely on ‘I’ statements when addressing conflicts, as this approach can sometimes perpetuate a self-focused narrative. Instead, they recommend creating emotional distance by consciously adopting a more objective, third-person perspective. For instance, rather than saying, ‘I feel hurt when you…’ try reframing it as, ‘In situations like this, partners often experience hurt because…’ This subtle shift can help defuse defensiveness and promote a more constructive dialogue, paving the way for mutual understanding and resolution within the relationship.”[1][2]

And what if this extra thinking just to reframe your words leaves you at a loss for words? Then touch can help bridge that gap and provide a powerful means of emotional connection and regulation. Touch plays a vital role in self-regulation and co-regulation of emotions, as evidenced by numerous psychological studies. According to the literature on emotional needs, touch is a fundamental human need that facilitates the development of secure attachment and emotional well-being. Research by Dr. Tiffany Field, a leading expert on touch, has shown that touch can reduce stress hormones and increase oxytocin levels, promoting a sense of calm and connection (Field, 2014). In adulthood, affectionate touch from partners or loved ones has been found to lower heart rate and blood pressure, while also decreasing emotional distress and improving emotional co-regulation (Grewen et al., 2003; Coan et al., 2006). Overall, the psychological literature underscores the critical role of touch in self-soothing, emotional bonding, and the co-regulation of emotions between individuals, making it an essential component of emotional well-being and interpersonal connectedness.

I have always known a hug was beneficial in times of need. I have also known that in times of distress if my physical environment was cluttered and messy, my head likewise felt cluttered and messy and I didn’t have the chance to process my thoughts constructively. One of the other interesting ideas was around journalling as a narrative, which I found equally fascinating as I had at times subconsciously journaled a story incorporating my life events using an alias for the people in my life and also using she or her to refer to me in the writing. Essentially creating that emotional distance.

Some of the tools from the book as I took them.

[1] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books. [2] Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Leadership Development Notes

I recently completed the Linked In course creating-a-leadership-development-program/creating-a-strategic-leadership-development-program by Bonnie Hagemann

Here are my notes.

Navigating Conflit – understanding types and growing through reflection.

Conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship, whether personal or professional. However, how we approach and handle conflicts can make all the difference in strengthening or straining our connections.

Recognizing the type of conflict you’re facing is crucial for addressing it effectively. By correctly identifying the type of conflict, you can tailor your response and employ the appropriate conflict resolution techniques. This understanding not only helps resolve the immediate issue but also prevents future misunderstandings and escalations.

Once a conflict has been addressed, it’s essential to reflect on the experience to facilitate personal and relational growth. Asking yourself thoughtful questions can provide valuable insights and help you develop better conflict management skills. In an ideal world you would want to do this reflection with the other person.

Consider the following additional reflective questions:

• What triggered the conflict? Understanding the root cause can help prevent similar situations in the future.
• What emotions did I experience during the conflict? Recognizing your emotional responses can improve your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
• How did I contribute to the situation? Acknowledging your role can promote accountability and prevent blame-shifting.
• What communication strategies worked or didn’t work? This can inform your approach to future conflicts.

By engaging in this reflective process, you not only gain a deeper understanding of yourself and the other person but also develop skills to navigate future conflicts more effectively. It’s an opportunity to turn conflicts into catalysts for positive change and strengthened connections.

Conflicts are inevitable, but how we approach them can make all the difference. By understanding the types of conflicts and engaging in thoughtful reflection after a conflict, we can foster growth, build stronger relationships, and develop effective conflict resolution skills. Embrace conflicts as opportunities for learning and personal development, and watch your relationships flourish.

4 steps to transformative change.

I created this process as I wanted a process to follow when thinking about creating new habits or evaluating my life and what areas I might like to improve on. Most importantly I wanted to make sure that when I embarked on a specific change I wanted it to be as successful as I could make it, to make sure I had planned as best I could and set myself up for success.

The following is what I came up with from agile methods, looking at personal agility and Mel Robbins and Tony Robbins and my overall experiences and readings.

The personal growth change process.

Practices in each step of the process.

Template to record your supporting reminders.

When thinking about goals, remember to use SMART as a key. Some extra reminders I have come across recently is.

In specific use I am statements. e.g I am exercising regularly as part of a healthy lifestyle.

In Measurable – say what the metrics is. e.g 3 times a week.

In Achievable – say when you are doing it. E.g tues, thurs and Saturdays

In Relatable – say why it’s important to you. – e.g so that I am healthy for my family.

In timely – say when it needs to be done by.

Team types

It has been bothering me for a while now, having been in various different types of teams. Everyone one of which was called a team and was coerced into trying to fit the standard scrum team mould.

I believe not every group of people is a team. That each group requires different considerations. I got a bit lost in the depth of analysis on my initial deep dive into this topic. My recent reading of the Team Topoligies book got me thinking that maybe I can make it simpler.

This is my Team types of which people can belong to multiple options.

Types of teams.

For example, while employed as an agile coach I was in the co workers group for the company. I was in the community of practice for the Agile Coaches, I was in a complicated sub system (Dynamic working) group for the work I was doing around Jira and I was supporting various stream aligned teams as a enabling team of Agile coaches.

In each of these I needed different things from the team in order to excel. Some I was very collaborative like the complicated sub system and the community of practice. In the enabling team I was facilitating, coaching and mentoring. In the co workers group, I was very much an individual.

I used to feel that each group would then have different needs from management. However lately I have been thinking that they need a continuum of the same things. Some need more and some need less depending on their stage towards high performance as illustrated in the below diagrams.

What a team needs

Teams pathway to high performance based on Tuckmans model.

This feels more complete for me now, I feel it also helps to define your teams structure to work out where your team might need more and options to support that either as a team member yourself of as the leadership supporting that team.

Change Management process.

I have put together a brief little infographic to describe some of the question and documents that you should create or think about when engaging on the change process.

Drafting your calling card.

A checklist for coaching remote teams.

Work through this checklist to ensure you are creating the best environment to support you and your remote teams.

• Ensure All team members have access to correct tools and equipment.
• Document your Team norms / etiquette
• Define your working hours / understand when to have certain types of interactions (e.g social hour / deep work time)
• Communicate and have Clear goals – transparency of expectations or work.
• Utilise Buddies to check in and bounce ideas off. The three amigos.
• Brainstorm creative ways to get feedback – transparency and engagement with customer.
• Define your process for high priority work and escalations.
• Visibility of challenges/ risks/ impediments/ dependencies.
• Build on team culture – Assuming positive intent.
• Allow time for deep dives.
• Be proactive in managing problems and requests – Don’t wait for people to ask/ complain.
• Lower the bar to entry for customer engagement.
• Establish a process for document sharing and file storage.
• Listen more as don’t have the non verbal cues.
• Pace yourself and take breaks.
• Work out a way to separate work from home.
• Keep in mind velocity and cycle time will change.
• Allow for water cooler chats.
• Consider timezones.

Rewilding Agile – My top takeaways.

Ansense.org held a Reviving Agile event with Dave Snowden in August. It was a very full on two days with lots to take away. – Be sure to attend next year.

Here are my top takeaways.

Strategic planning Which one and why?

I recently completed a course on change management, as part of the course it highlighted the need to understand what strategic planning method to use based on the environment you were in.

Therefore I mapped the strategic planning approaches to the Cynefin framework.

The lighter boxes show the steps to take for each of the strategic planning approaches. (dark blue boxes) within the Cynefin domain (black text)

I believe this will be most useful when working with projects and when engaging with a new team to understand their environment and what planning method will best suit them.